The Purity Test By Joselin Linder

The Purity Test

Scoring:

Answer all 100 questions.

This is your Purity Number, written as a percentage.

For example, if you answer no to 57 question, your purity number is 57%.

Warning: This 100 question purity test won’t hold your hand, give you head, or get you out alive. It won’t provide you with a purity number accurate to five decimal places. But it will give you new insights into yourself and offer a starting point from which to pull it the fuck together.

Have you ever made out with your significant other in public?

Have you ever made out in a car?

Did you ever walk in on your parents having sex?

Have either of your parents ever walked in on you masturbating?

Have you ever given or received a butt massage?

Have you ever given or received oral sex on an airplane?

How about while driving a car?

Have you ever claimed to be allergic to sex fluids to get out of performing oral sex?

Does a hairy back/ass on a man or hairy arm pits/legs on a woman turn you on?

Have you ever been handcuffed or tied up during an intimate moment?

Have you ever tied someone up and had sex with them?

Ever had sex blindfolded?

Have you ever taken a bite of someone else’s food after they have bitten into it?

Does the idea of sex with a dwarf turn you on?

How about sex with a giant?

Have you ever had sex at work?

Have you ever made out with a second cousin or other distant relative?

Can you look at a nontraditionally sexy body part (like a toe, foot or wrist) and feel yourself get hot?

Have you ever participated in a circle-jerk or something similar?

Have you ever participated in a threesome where you were the only person of your sex in the group?

Have you ever somehow gotten left tied up or in handcuffs during or after sex?

Ever licked alcohol off someone’s body?

Have you ever put a vibrator up your own ass?

Have you ever had sex doggy style?

Ever had sex on a swing?

Have you ever modeled sex after something you read in a book?

How about modeled sex after something you saw in a movie?

Have you ever woken up to someone having sex with you?

Ever woken up anyone by performing oral sex on them?

Have you ever received oral sex by two or more people at one time?

Ever had sex on hay?

Ever had sex in the snow?

Ever had sex in mud?

How about on concrete?

On sand?

Ever given or received oral sex on a beach?

How about at the pool under a towel?

Ever put your dick in a Guinness beer because the foamy head looked so inviting? (And if you don’t have a dick, have you ever thought that if you did you’d want to fuck the foamy head of a Guinness?)

Do you think sleep and water are the best hangover cures?

Have you ever taken a shot of alcohol off of someone’s body?

Have you ever had to act more sober than you were because the people around you wouldn’t approve?

Have you ever bought a round of drinks for people as an excuse to keep drinking?

Have you ever taken a shot of something without knowing what it was?

Have you ever smoked hash?

Have you ever flown domestically with marijuana on your person?

Have you ever taken a marijuana hit out of someone else’s mouth (shotgunning)?

Have you ever urinated outside while drunk?

Have you ever told anyone you loved them while heavily intoxicated?

Have you ever been high and decided that the people on the news were all high too?

Have you ever “babysat” for friends while they were tripping on acid?

Ever taken E?

Have you ever baked pot cookies or brownies?

Have you ever eaten pot cookies or brownies?

Have you ever had the munchies and found yourself eating things you’d never eat sober? (i.e. dry pasta and ketchup?)

Have you ever grown pot?

Have you ever brewed your own beer?

Have you ever distilled your own wine?

Have you ever been thrown-up on by a wasted person?

Have you ever puked after getting drunk and then smoking a joint?

Have you ever drunk absinth?

Have you ever sniffed nail polish to get high?

Did you ever steal cigarettes? (Taking them out of your mom’s purse is stealing.)

Have you ever smoked at least one pack of cigarettes (twenty) in one night?

Do you know how to prepare more than three kinds of cocktails?

Have you been drunk while the sun was still out?

Have you ever been high in the daytime?

Have you ever cheated to win a game you were playing?

Have you ever cheated to win a game you were playing professionally?

Have you ever lied or stolen in order to save a failing business?

Have you ever beaten up a homeless person?

Have you ever followed someone you were dating to see where they were going?

Ever gone through your partner’s emails or text messages without their permission?

Have you ever gone to confession or participated in some similar religious cleansing of your soul only to continue criminal or even dishonest behavior?

Do you believe that people in general are so bad that you really really hope hell is as painful and uncomfortable as they say—maybe more so?

Have you ever had your license suspended?

Have you ever taken anything from a store without paying?

Did you ever steal from your place of employment?

Have you ever told the host at a busy restaurant you were diabetic to skip the line and get seated right away?

Have you ever planned a crime with someone else?

Have you ever injured yourself or someone else while skateboarding illegally?

Have you ever dined and dashed?

Have you ever bought alcohol for minors?

Did you ever take your mom or dad’s credit card and buy anything with it, then put it back without ever telling them?

Have you ever burned something just for the sake of watching it burn?

Did you ever switch tags on clothing items to get them for cheaper?

Have you ever had enough plastic surgery that you knew everyone knew you’d had it without your having to mention it?

Have you ever sued anyone in the medical profession?

Have you ever gone dumpster diving?

Ever picked up furniture you saw on the street only to get it home and find out it was covered in animal urine or some insect?

Were you ever expelled from a school?

Ever gotten kicked out of an extra curricular program?

Have you ever claimed to have met a celebrity knowing you were lying to feel like a part of a conversation going on in your presence?

Have you ever claimed to have caught a really big fish that you threw back when you did not?

Ever claim to have made a meal from scratch that you’d ordered in?

Have you ever listened to music you hated to impress somebody?

Do you think God thinks very highly of the work He has done with you?

Do you think that God is dead?

Or in the details?

Are you 99% sure God doesn’t give two shits about whether or not you smoke that joint?

Have you spent time considering how much of your life you have wasted answering pointless questions?

Good Going!